


Ragnar 2020

by Hillsofuhhtennessee



Category: KISS (US Band), Never Too Young To Die (1986)
Genre: 2020 somehow gets worse, Exhibitionism, French Kissing, Gen, Hermaphrodites, Mass Murder, Presidential Campaigning, Sick guitar solos, The 2020 US Presidential Election
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-20
Updated: 2020-09-20
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:54:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26569138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hillsofuhhtennessee/pseuds/Hillsofuhhtennessee
Summary: Velvet von Ragnar feels behind the times in her insanity and destruction and runs for president of the United States under an unrealistically perfect bipartisan platform.Featuring Vinnie Vincent as VP.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 6





	Ragnar 2020

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in a frenzy this morning.
> 
> I don’t listen to Biden or Trump actually talking much so my parodies of their speech kind of suck lol
> 
> I’m genuinely proud of this and some of the lines in here.

Deep in an underground bunker somewhere in America, a 35-year fugitive still lay in hiding from international law and damn near every intelligence department on earth. All for trying to poison the water supply in the 80s. That wouldn’t even be a blip on the insanity radar today. She was practically innocent by politician standards. Loudly promote being the first hermaphrodite governor, mayor, or county property appraiser and she’d probably still win as a diversity pick. Even if she loudly bragged about having a necrophilia fetish, admitted to picking her nose, made fun of 9/11, and claimed Hitler did nothing wrong, people would brush it off these days. The crazy bar was getting too damn high. Quietly turning the frogs gay or dumping invasive reptiles in Florida just didn’t cut it now. She was slipping in her old age. And falling out of relevance was worse than dealing with vaginal dryness and erectile dysfunction simultaneously. She needed to get with it. 

The opening bassline to “I Was Made for Loving You” played on the radio.

“PATHETIC! I HATE DISCO!”

She threw an empty bottle of prune juice at it and it switched to “I Love it Loud”

“Stand up, I wanna be president”

“THAT’S IT! I’m gonna fucking run for office! I gonna be fucking president of this shithole! You thought a reality TV star was bad? Wait til a crazy evil hermaphrodite out for maximum insanity and destruction wins! I’ll show what 2020 is capable of! I’ll make the ‘Rona look like a blip on the radar of chaos and death!”

And so, Velvet got about promoting her campaign. She hijacked several local TV stations and placed her own little campaign ad in the middle of their broadcasts.

“Hey there, WORMS! 2020 bad enough for you? I’m gonna make it worse! And better! Think the election is a matter of picking the shiniest of two turds? I’m gonna be a steaming radioactive heap of alligator shit! It’ll be a beautiful display of chaos and destruction! And instead of another old white guy, we’ll have the youngest hermaphrodite ever elected to office! Sure I’m only a few years younger than the two major candidates, but technically, it’s true!

What’s my platform? I’m gonna ELIMINATE the national debt! I’m gonna SMASH government spending to absolute zero! I’ll abolish taxes AND government regulation AND the police AND the private prison system! I’m gonna WIPE all the pedos AND corrupt politicians off the face of this earth regardless of political affiliation! I’ll end the Arab-Israeli conflict! Can you think of any problems in the world? I’m gonna fix that shit! How? That’s top secret Velvet business, but trust me, it’s not gonna fail.”

That was all well and good, but she needed to court national attention now. 

It was a risky move, but then again, she was hardly controversial anymore and the CIA had probably forgotten her with bigger fish to fry. Velvet rolled up to a particular rowdy BLM protest in her obnoxiously large semi truck. Not to root for either time, but to whore herself out to the media.

Velvet waddled up to the front line of the protest without a word, without a weapon and without a word or sign. Then she ripped her robe off, clad in only RAGNAR 2020 nipple tassels and a thong, and started flipping her saggy tits around in a figure eight to the horror of everyone around her. News cameras were transfixed. Cops dropped their batons and tear gas. People went dead silent. 

“VOTE RAGNAR 2020! THE ONLY CURE FOR PARTISAN MADNESS IS.... EVEN GREATER MADNESS!”

She flounced away, french kissing every unmasked person along the way. 

“AND WEAR A FUCKING MASK OR I’LL SHOVE MY FREAKO TONGUE DOWN YOUR THROAT TOO!”

Back in her bunker, she sat back in smug delight as everyone online gazed in disgust and intrigue at the screaming sexually ambiguous granny scarring and/or oddly arousing everyone. 

And so she raided every protest within a driveable radius regardless of purpose and put on a show for the cameras and horrified onlookers. She interrupted truck caravans with her big obnoxious semi plastered with RAGNAR 2020 banners and screaming pink lights and sirens like a demented firetruck. She bought a yacht and blasted “We’re Not Gonna Take It” as she kicked up a surf that submerged or scared off every other boater on that lake. Dee Snider didn’t mind. Velvet told him she wasn’t touching abortion rights because nobody would need abortions anymore with her platform and he allowed it.

Unfortunately, with all her newfound fame, she was followed by birther rumors. Nobody believed her story about being the illegitimate offspring of a giant rat and alligator in the sewers of New York City that was genetically modified into the perfect supersoldiee by some sketchy government agency. But hours after someone claimed she was really born in Israel, they got mowed down by a drunken garbage truck driver. And the next birther got kicked in the head by an escaped cow from a conveniently tipped semi. And the next one had a dump truck fall on him while at work as a mechanic. The birther rumors stopped after they realized the threat of death by truck was inevitable. 

Finally she got enough popular attention to appear in the presidential debates.

“What do you have to say regarding the ongoing protests?”

Biden went off on some barely coherent bullshit. Trump went off on how he wanted to line up and shoot them all and let the cannibalistic leftist celebrities eat them.

Velvet flounced her giant feather headdress.

“I’m gonna solve EVERYONE’S problems! Guaranteed! There’ll be no more cops! No more crime! No more racism! No matter what you hate, I’m gonna step on it and kill it with my stiletto heels like some sexual deviant with a crush fetish! How? That’s a secret, but it’s foolproof! I’m Ragnar, I can command an army of adolescent delinquents while also posing as a totally official government spy, I can do ANYTHING! Ever wonder why all the kids are turning gay? The frogs too? That’s because I’m the one putting the gay juice in the water! If I can turn everyone gay, I can do fucking anything!”

“How do you plan to address womens’ issues?”

Biden went off on how he picked the first Black female vice president in history and how women were totally the future of the nation and he wasn’t a rapist. Trump went off on how he knew what was right for women and would ban abortion to spare all the innocent babies while saving them from the scary minorities. 

Velvet looked at them both like a gecko silently judging an aggressively fucking couple from a dark corner of a Florida bedroom.

“Well you see, I’m half man AND half women, so I understand all sides of gender politics in a way nobody else does. I fucked myself back in the late 80s and made a clone child of myself named Velvet Jr! And I’ll be the youngest hermaphrodite ever elected president! Even though I’m 72! I’ll formally ban surgically altering intersex babies, of course. And I’ll make abortion, child support, and sex ed ALL totally unnecessary! It’ll be win-win for all whether you’re a devout Catholic or baby-sacrificing devil worshipper! “

“Yes, that’s enough Velvet, let’s move on.”

“But that’s not all! You like pussy? You like dick? You like fat asses? You like titties? Of course you do, don’t deny your secret bisexual tendencies. I got you there. If I win, I’ll leak a bunch of porn and nudes from when I was young and sexy in the 80s! Do you want to see these two turdballs beside me naked? Are any of you even remotely aroused by them? Of course not.”

Then the moderator asked them to discuss their environmental policy. Biden claimed he’d make steps towards carbon neutrality in 2050 and how the country needed to take action to keep California from catching fire yet again. Trump proclaimed about how he totally supported clean air and water and how the disasters wete terrible, but he needed more nuclear missiles to blow up the commies and would have to defund FEMA and that he would smash environmental regulations to unshackle American business from the terrors of environmentalism and make the stonks great again. 

And then it was Velvet’s turn to go off.

“We’re gonna be carbon neutral within a week of me taking office! No more coal! No more oil! No more wind turbines and solar farms dicing and frying birds! We won’t need those anymore? How? Can’t tell you, that’s all part of the mystique, but trust me, it’ll work!”

Velvet was a raucous success for her obnoxious outfits and even more obnoxious yet universally agreeable viewpoints. 

And while the other two picked boring establishment politicians to be their VPs, Velvet picked an even bigger ambiguously gendered outsider as hers. Vinnie Vincent. He ran under the platform of promising sick guitar solos while Velvet got shit done. He wouldn’t play for them before election since he wanted to ~preserve the mystique~, though. 

And of course, Velvet-Vincent 2020 won by a landslide. Nobody could escape the appeal of solving everyone’s problems while a sick guitar solo played in the background. 

Finally, it was Inauguration Day 2021. Hundreds and thousands of Americans had died from the virus over the winter. Unspeakably awful and unpredictable things in 2020 nearly ended the world, yet it somehow persisted. Trump refused to give up office until Velvet french kissed him too for not wearing a mask and he died from a combination of COVID-19 and every STD known to man and bat-lizard kind from Velvet’s kiss. 

And then Velvet gave the shortest inauguration speech in American history from a stealth bomber high in the sky.

“‘Sup bitches! I’m ready to solve the nation’s problems! Every last one of them! I’m gonna solve the entire WORLD’S problems! Just let me press this button and turn on the sexy 80s hermaphrodite porn and sick guitar solos and I’ll get started right NOW!”

And so she fired the entire nuclear arsenal at once, vaporizing everyone city by city as she broadcasted deviant VCR footage of her fucking various 80s B-listers while Vinnie Vincent chugged along to Lick it Up in the background. Then, with the help of her goons in high places, she set off everyone else’s nuclear arsenals and wiped off every human on the planet. She even nuked the International Space Station. 

The radios went down. The guitar solo and porn went dead. She did it. She was now the most chaotic and destruction person alive. She was the only person alive. But she was probably still the biggest and craziest murderer in history. 

“SEVEN POINT EIGHT MOTHERFUCKIN BILLION! SUCK IT HITLER! SUCK IT STALIN! YOU SLUUUGS GOT YOUR ASSES KICKED BY MULTIPLE ORDERS OF MAGNITUDE BY AN AGGRESSIVELY CAPITALIST BISEXUAL JEWISH HERMAPHRODITE! I WIIIIIN! HIGH SCORE!”

And so she blasted off to another solar system, looking for another planet to terrorize.


End file.
